Alchemical Nigredo: Journeying From the Dark Night of the Soul
“When you see your matter going black, rejoice, you are at the beginning of the work.” — Rosarium Philosophorum
About a decade ago I awoke one morning, at the age of 20, to find that everything I thought I had known was seemingly inside-out and upside-down. A veil had been lifted from my vision and suddenly I was seeing my surroundings for what they were — and it terrified me to no end. Small observations would become catastrophic. Though I had always been an idealist, I became obsessive in moral standards, and swallowed whole by feelings of sadness, grief, paranoia, desperation, and isolation, as they consumed my every thought and interaction. To talk to me at this time must have been like talking to someone trapped in a state of mania. I wanted desperately to save the world around me, and death seemed to be my only way out as my mind flirted with suicidal ideation. What was happening to me? Would this ever end? I would walk alone at night and look at the stars and beg for god to help me. There was no way I could explain this depth of existential pain to another person. As time went on I isolated myself from my peers more and more. This seemed, in its essence, to be a matter of metaphysics more than anything else. Once I began hearing voices speaking in echolalic tongues, alone at night, I knew this was something very very serious. I was terrified.
During these 9 months of existential panic and isolation, I dove headfirst into reading anything I could find that would help me “fix” whatever was happening to me. It is through this that I eventually discovered, through what seemed to be a miracle, the concepts of the alchemical process — particularly the idea of nigredo, or, the decomposition stage of the psyche in the process of transmutation. The state of nigredo is often described as the blackest-black of the depths of the soul; a stage of “putrefaction” or “cooking” of the soul; reducing one to their very core primal matter, or, “prima materia” as the alchemists of far history called it.
Nigredo is the “dark night of the soul” in every sense of the phrase. While it is not uncommon, it will not happen to everyone, and it cannot be willed into existence. This type of experience can only happen in its own time and seems to happen rather spontaneously when the soul of a human is ready to die and be reborn in a psychological baptism by fire, whether you like it or not. Many never make it out from the pits of nigredo. Though we have secret arrows pointing us the way in many old written and oral traditions, there is no roadmap offered to the vast majority of today’s accidental initiates of the modern world. Some turn to substance abuse, some spiral into mental illness, and some will go as far as to take their own life in order to escape its darkness. Those who decide to face this realm, however, can be rewarded beyond measure for their efforts, and rise from the mud and ashes like a bird with plumes of flames.
“Nobody can fall so low unless he has a great depth. If such a thing can happen to a man, it challenges his best and highest on the other side; that is to say, this depth corresponds to a potential height, and the blackest darkness to a hidden light.” — C.G. Jung
The state is the first in the three main stages of the alchemical process. It is characterized by the unconscious suddenly becoming conscious. All of our greatest fears will present themselves, sometimes even arising as literal disembodied voices or terrifying visions. We see this woven throughout human history, and symbolized in ancient Greek mythology as the horned minotaur lurking among the hedges of the unlit and vast labyrinth. In order to survive we must overcome our urges to avoid or flee the scene and instead confront our greatest terrors directly, even diving deeper and deeper into the caverns of our mind to search for the pearl at the bottom, the lead turned to gold, or, the famous alchemical “philosopher’s stone”.
While in the period of nigredo one might experience the following: depression, dissociation, anxiety, paranoia, existential panic, disordered eating (binging or restrictive / loss of appetite), substance abuse, disordered sleeping, vivid dreams, sleep paralysis, frequent nightmares, mania, lack of psychic boundaries, suicidal ideation, anger outbursts, hearing voices, seeing visions, mania, or even psychosis. It is for these reasons that some believe they have gone insane, and understandably so! From the outside looking in, it certainly is criteria that is suitable for hospitalization. For this reason, many people experiencing nigredo will keep their experiences to themselves, for fear of the consequences of sharing their current condition. I am writing this so that maybe, just maybe, someone in this state will find it and know they are not alone. There is a way out, and many have come to this place before you that can only be described as a personal hell. What you decide to do with it is entirely up to you.
“There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were.” ― Hazrat Inayat Khan
What is beautiful about the alchemical process is that it is a human experience so essential to us that it has been written about for thousands of years. If we know where to look, we can find it in myths, legends, and religions from all over the world. Even the idea of heaven and hell is a metaphor for the potential of the human mind to bring us to divine depths or divine heights. Through looking to history for answers, some of us may be able to wipe the fog from our glasses. Sometimes it is not so obvious, but if we learn the language of symbols, and of reading between the lines, we can use these many tools to lead us to the eventual emancipation of our souls from the brink of destruction. To quote the biblical Jesus, “…the kingdom of God is within you”. But when our soul is boiled down to it’s most crude elements, what are we then left with?
“The dark night of the soul comes just before revelation. When everything is lost, and all seems darkness, then comes the new life and all that is needed.” — Joseph Campbell, A Joseph Campbell Companion: Reflections on the Art of Living
Divine Madness and the Cosmic Joke
“Since everything is but an apparition, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may as well burst out in laughter.” — Longchenpa
During my nine months of confusion and turmoil, it was a few crucial brushes with fate that pulled me out of the pits of despair. One such instance happened on a day that I had finished all the books I had checked out from the library. Bored and with nothing to do I picked a book off of my mother’s shelf that had been sitting there, untouched, for years. I glanced at the cover and flipped it open to a random page. If the page was interesting, I told myself, I would read the whole book.
My finger pointed to a paragraph and I began reading. The passage was telling of the Greek God known as Dionysus, the God of wine, revelry, fertility, and perhaps most importantly, divine madness and religious ecstasy. The author went on about the divine madness and Dionysus, and how in ancient Greek society, those who experienced voices from other realms we thought of as messengers from God, and placed at a higher rank in society compared to other people. “What does this mean for me?” I wondered. Was I tapping into other realms? Learning of this concept brought me great inner peace as I realized how classical my experience was. I was not alone! I read of the spotted wild cats that accompanied Dionysus in his travels and realized that these cats had been following me in recurring dreams since childhood. It may have been coincidental, but to me at that moment it felt deeply profound.
“Life as it is should be enough of a reason to laugh. It is so absurd, it is so ridiculous. It is so beautiful, it is so wonderful. It is all sorts of things together. It is a great cosmic joke.” — Osho
While in my mind I was alienated from the world, I came to understand that many ancient cultures around the globe understood this concept of “divine madness”, and often these people would become the healers for their community. These people often have the capability to bridge the worlds of spirit and the material realms and are highly valued for this skill. A far cry from how those with these abilities are treated in the majority of the world today.
Through this discovery I followed this trail to find other examples of divine madness existing in myths and legends in all the far reaches of the world and was amazed at what I found. Absurdism became my refuge as I reveled in stories of people such as the Greek cynic philosopher Diogenes of Sinope, and archetypal characters such as the Sacred Clown or Tricksters. In many religions of the ancient world, there has always been examples of the “Cosmic Joker” archetype, implemented to turn things inside out, play tricks upon reality, and make mortals question what they know to be true. Had I been taking myself too seriously? Was this fear of loss of control, perhaps, the root of my suffering?
“People suffer only because they take seriously what the gods made for fun.” — Alan Watts
I found it interesting that within Zen Buddhism, laughter is often thought of as an expression of enlightenment. It is the transmutation of tension into harmony, and brings one into a state of presence unparalleled to any other human expression. It is for this reason that the Buddha is often depicted while laughing a deep and profound laugh, as if he is in on some cosmic joke, or privy to a riddle of the cosmos that has no answer. It is also the reason that many Buddhist monks who spend their life dedicated to meditation will often find themselves in sudden fits of unexplained laughter. In the alchemical process, this stage is called “Albedo”, meaning, “whiteness”. It is a stage of the washing away of impurities. The inflated ego and shadow projections of the participant are deflated, and the fighting of fear of the inner self can be brought to a point of clarity, literally changing the chemistry and neurotransmissions of the brain.
Through laughter we can transcend our life’s suffering, even if only for a moment. For indeed, in these moments of joy, one can feel as if time has frozen, or that they are a child again. Perhaps this is the highly sought after key to “immortality” or “elixir of life” that the alchemists wrote about in their many codices. A person whose life is filled with self-created joy seems to age more slowly, and to live a longer and healthier life. We only need to look to children for inspiration on how to overcome our existential crises. To laugh and play like a child, to make absurd jokes, and to remain vulnerable in our openness to love can be our key to attaining freedom. While the world toils with endless troubles and needless suffering, we can transcend duality and merge with the union of opposites through tapping into the sheer absurdity of it all.
As funny as it sounds, this realization was the key to gaining my sanity back in my time of deepest suffering. I felt like The Fool in the beginning of the tarot who had ended right where I had started, yet I had returned home from my journey with the gift of true freedom. I had walked full circle along the spine of the serpent eating its tail.
My next task would be to apply this skill in my life without bending too far into what is known as “spiritual bypassing”. “How can I take what I have learned and master it, while still fighting for what I believe is right?” The truth of it is, I’m sure this will be a dance I will be learning the rest of my lifetime. It takes considerable practice on a daily basis. I’ve found it best to use this tool when I see myself getting anxious or worked up about something I view as important. Sure, there are many things I need to take seriously, especially when it comes to the injustices of the world; and if I can find the space to separate myself from my emotional reactions, and soften into the absurdity for a few moments, I can better be able to take the steps to solve these problems more effectively. It is certainly not easy to do!
I have also found this to be a great tool for interacting with other people in times of conflict. Once you have intimately known suffering, you can shift your perspective to recognize when it is arising in the behaviors of others. Separate, soften, breathe, recognize the meaninglessness in the cosmic scheme of things, and use it to your advantage to remain calm. In practice you will find that oftentimes (though not always) arguments can be transformed into conversations. Our impulses and reactions can be transmuted into thoughtful responses. We can also use this technique on our inner-conversations with the different parts of ourselves, leading to great inner healing.
As I continue learning about this practice I face new challenges and new opportunities for growth along the way. I can only hope that I can help others find a way out of their suffering, even if it’s just for a little bit. This work is done in the background, often as a hidden hand. By sharing our joys we reach the final stage of the alchemical process, or, “Rubedo” meaning “redness”. This is a stage where integration is attained and the core self is merged with the ego. It is often depicted as a “Solar Dawn” or “awakening” of man’s consciousness. I tend to liken it to spiritual “Gnosis”, or, “knowledge of the heart”.
There is a reason these teachings of the great mystery are not so obvious, but when you become acquainted with it, you will see it hidden in plain sight all around you. In the darkest depths of the ocean we will find creatures sharing bio-luminescence. In the darkest reaches of the universe we have flaming stars emitting light that allows for life to be created; and in kind, the most obscure reaches of our souls also offer us the key to a life filled with everlasting light, if only we can muster the courage to find it, and then share it with the world.
“He who has eyes to see, let him see, and he who has ears to hear, let him hear.” — Jesus
“Solve et Coagula”
Suggested further reading for beginners:
On Becoming an Alchemist by Catherine McCoun
A New Earth: Awakening Your Life’s Purpose by Eckhart Tolle
The Kybalion: Hermetic Philosophy by “The Three Initiates”
